Thursday, 10 April 2014

LEGO Batman review

Personally, I've never liked LEGO games. They just rip off movies, comics and whatever they can get their hands on with gimmicky puzzles, repetitive combat and boring levels. Now, there are one or two good games from LEGO, but Lego Batman (despite being favorable) is downright crap, in my eyes.

So why, you may ask, do I hate it if its generally well-reviewed? My main issue is the puzzles. Every single LEGO game has stupid, stupid puzzles that are sometimes cryptic and mostly boring, so much that you nearly want to CRY. You have to run around, smashing things like an idiot, until you find some little bricks that take some time to build. It sounds like a good idea, right? Well these damn puzzles are dragged on FOREVER. I was doing to second stage on The Riddler's Revenge, aka the Doctor Freeze one, and one puzzle was so poorly made I shut off my console.

Not to say that I don't like puzzles. Hell, I'm all for Portal or Half Life. But I only like FUN puzzles. Not puzzles where you run around and smash things uselessly, trying to find whatever it is you need to spend 10 years building, build it, and die because you need to find a gazillion other damn puzzle parts. Lego Batman is DOWNRIGHT JAM PACKED WITH IT. And, obviously, I hate it.

The suits. Oh god, the suits. Some are fun, like the demolition suit and the glider suit, but others are boring. The demolition suit is the only one used with good level design, the glider suit having boring puzzles along with it. But it had so much potential! Robin's suits are the WORST. Technician suit, you spend 3 days hacking some panel, and then a little RC car comes out and you get to drive it into money you can't EVEN PICK UP WITH THE CAR and mines that are impossible to see due to the lazy camera.

Oh, and the camera. Usually its fine, but there are some parts where its horrible beyond belief. For those that care, graphics and sound aren't even that good. Graphics are okay for the most part, being the over-used, generic and repetitive LEGO style we all got used to, but the sound will drive you insane at some stages. The sound of your character falling to death because LEGO PUT A BIG RED PILE THAT IS HARD AS HELL TO GET PAST RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A PATH and Robin's damn magnet suit. Listen, and you'll hear only clink clonk clank clank clonk clink clonk clonk clink clank clink clank clink, and there is no escape from it unless you mute the game and ruin it. Music is alright I guess.

Oh, and Robin's oh-so-super-duper Magnetic Suit. WHY?! You go minus seventy miles a god-damn hour in this ear-beating fun-killing suit, walking slowly up boringly designed pipes and walls, with the same sound, and by the time you get up YOU FALL DOWN BECAUSE THE LEVEL DESIGN IS RETARDED. Level design is repetitive. Let me sum up the first stage. Boring puzzle, boring puzzle, enemies every two seconds, boring puzzle, enemies every two seconds, slightly fun puzzle but ruined because there is an enemy EVERY TWO SECONDS, enemies, puzzles, enemies, boring puzzles, enemies, puzzles, BORING BORING BORING PUZZLE PUZZLE PUZZLE. WTF.

Not to forget the suicidal AI. Okay, so I was pushing a boringly-placed cog for Robin to come across, he came across after 3 hours of pushing the damn thing, and then what does he do? FALL TO HIS DEATH, AND MAKE ME START AGAIN. Not to mention the freaking AI can't kill anything and loses health faster than the Ghosts and Goblins guy. Seriously, LEGO, fix the retarded AI will you? I can't go two seconds without un-needed frustrating enemies as I slog through repetitive design and Robin doing nothing put punching and never killing. I know it's meant for kids to feel awesome, but, LET THE AI KILL PEOPLE! MAYBE I DON'T HAVE A SECOND PLAYER! GOD!

You know there's something wrong when the puzzles are so badly-executed that a lame fistfight between the characters is more entertaining than the game. LEGO Batman is nothing but another one of LEGO's shameless attempts at gaming and getting gash. THEY'RE GREEDIER THAN EA FOR CHRIST SAKE!

Fun: 3. Consists of boring puzzles and enemies popping out your gloryhole every 2 seconds.
Characters: 5. You can't expect much from a LEGO game for characters, but come on, you still don't accept THE SIMS REJECTS! They're not even likable, Robin is a showoff and Batman is a moron. They made BATMAN A BAD CHARACTER.
Controls: 4.5. Generally basic controls, but what lets them down is the GODDAMN TOO LONG PUZZLES.
Sounds and Graphics: 4. Here, we have high versions of In the Nighgarden characters communicating with pig grunts, and after that bland graphics and ear-torturing sfx.
Writing: 1. Whoever came up with the cheap idea of no voice acting deserves to be burnt at a stake. It. Is. The. Worst.
Attempts at engaging player instead of being cheap douchebags: NON EXISTENT!

OVERALL RATING: 4/10, aka 2 stars. Don't even lay eyes on this game. It sucks.

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