Duke Nukem Forever Review

Hail to the king of ego, baby.

After 15 years, and much hype, with the game looking EPIC in 2001's trailer... it was met with hatred from the fans. And guess what? I agree it sucks... but is also fun at some points. The comedy is bad, but sometimes it's fun.

What do you think the best video game opening is? Bioshock? Max Payne 3 (even though I fell asleep during it)? HELL NO! It's this game with Duke taking a p*ss in a urinal, first person. I thought I had bought the thing second hand and accidentally pressed continue, but no, the guy is taking a p*ss, first thing in the game. Hell, at least you can grab 5G by stealing a turd out of a toilet. And what can you do with that turd, you may ask?

TO THE WINDOW
TO THE WALL
STICK THAT TURD ON UNTIL IT FALLS.

Level design is sometimes bad, sometimes good. When it's bad though, it's REALLY bad (just like in Mirror's Edge when it messes up there, but I still love that game). Minor spoiler here, but at one point, there is an awkward RC car section when Duke Nukem is shrunk, and it's one of those "where the hell do I go" type of places. However, I don't usually like survival missions, but the maps for survival missions in Duke Nukem Forever are great. And turret sections... ignoring the first one, they're good.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I think I'll point it out. IT THROWS G AT YOU. 5G for playing with poop, 5G for drinking a beer, 5G for beating a mini boss, 5G for drawing balls or whatever on a whiteboard, give me all the G in the world! Seriously though, achievements should be awarded for things that were challenging to achieve, not for drinking beer you found on the floor or starting the game past an easy boss.

Humor in the writing is average. Not as good as in Duke Nukem 3D, but it's alright. I mean, hell, some are rolling-your-eyes bad, yet there's some that make me laugh such as the hidden South Park reference the two soldiers say. Duke Nukem himself though isn't that funny. Swearing, references and wordplay is the only things he can do, and is executed poorly. :(

And for the first part of the game... Duke is just f*cking around. You get hit by invisible wall after invisible wall instead of having a much better cutscene, being forced to watch or listen to STUPID STUFF. 15 years it took you to develop this, and 3 different great game companies working on it, ay? HOW DID YOU MESS IT UP? Drinking beer, downing steroids, punching aliens, playing pinball, skyping Obama, getting shrunk, playing your own game, throwing pool balls around, punching whiners in the face, signing kids' autographs and playing in their RC cars, WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON? And Duke has gone reeeeeeeaaaaaaallllly soft in his old age. Instead of punching a douche on his throne, he takes his picture. C'mon Duke! What happened to you?

Enemies are easy. There is NOTHING you can't kill with 3-bullet-burst machine guns and the power of steroids. Sure, beer helps defend you from damage, but you get it back in like 5 seconds despite a stupid amount of damage. Weapons are fun though, as you can hollow out enemies with a shotgun or shrink and stamp on them. Yet, there's nothing here you can't do in Duke Nukem 3D.

The story is weak. You're Duke, and aliens are stealing Earth's women. That's it. I would ignore it if it was funny due to it, but it isn't so it's ignorable, yet constantly shoved down your throat by invisible walls every 2 seconds. Do we really care Duke's show has been cancelled? Not really, no, so don't freeze us without a cutscene to tell us.

For those that care, graphics and sound are good and bad. Graphics are good, looking like a  shooter like BRINK, but sound is rare. Mostly, when platforming or shooting, the game is eerily quiet except for the dull over-generic music and the basic sfx.

Duke Nukem Forever is not a bad game, but it's nothing good. 15 years and we get this? Come on. That's lazy. If you really wanted to play a good Duke Nukem forever game just buy and play Duke Nukem 3D. The only difference is the graphics.

Story: 6. A weak story, but it seemed forgivable.
Characters: 6. Good characters, bad writing, and Duke is now soft.
Fun: 7. It is fun, but takes forever to start.
Sound and Graphics: 6.5. Good graphics, bad sound. And I hate the writing for Duke.
Controls: 6. Why the d-pad to interact with certain things instead of just the usual button?
Writing: 4. Barely funny, sadly.
Level Design: 6. Hit or miss, really.

OVERALL SCORE: 6/10, aka 3/5 stars.