Saturday, 24 May 2014
FIFA 12: Tales From A Terrible Player
Okay... so you know I said I was going to do a LittleBigPlanet 2 review? Well, it's coming. I just can't get round to it amongst other things. Okay? Good. So, I went to CEX today, buying Crackdown, Prey, Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary (I love Halo), and Gears of War. And then what did I see for £2? Fifa 12. Sighing, I picked it up. Did it look bad? No, of course not, and I'm sure it's a great game for those who know what the hell to do. But I don't. So here is what I thought when first playing it for 1-2 hours.
"Okay, FIFA 12. This intro is kinda longish though... and it's still going... uh... *eats crisps whilst waiting*... OKAY, I'LL SKIP IT, IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS."
"Yay, training! And slide... no. And slide... nearly. And slide... OH COME ON! And slide... gotcha! Wait, what? TWO MORE TIMES? FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
"And pass the ball! Wait, no, that's kick. What about the opposite button? And that's kick. Oh, there we go. And it went off field. Well done me."
"I got this! I'll tackle him - GODDAMN IT YOU SWITCHED PLAYERS YOU SON OF A BI-"
"And sliding! And switch player and accidentally sliding! STOP SLIDING!"
"Wait, I'm the goalie now? No... and who? Wait what?! WAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"
"How do I start a game? What's a pro match? Why am I shooting goals at a random guy? AND CAN I PLAY YET?!"
"And tackle... WAIT WHERE'S THE BALL GOING?"
"Trading cards? Wat? Is this FIFA or a Windows game?"
"Time to play online... and codes? Lolno."
"I HAD THAT!"
"STOP... SWITCHING... PLAYERS!"
"Why do footballers act so weird when the score?"
"Why is Rooney so p*ssed on the cover?"
"HERMAGERD, RUNNING LOOKS WEIRD."
"And I got a useless trading pack!"
"Can I start yet?"
"I don't want a replay!"
"You know, I was gonna do a longplay of Halo 3 tonight... BUT I NEED TO SCORE A GOAL FIRST."
"I CAN'T SCORE."
"I CAN'T SCORE!"
"No... no... I CAN'T SCORE FOR SH*T!"
Yeah, those were my rants I had. Okay, FIFA seems great, but I dunno what I'm doing. A quote from AVGN to finish:
"Why so much football? Football on thanksgiving, football on birthdays, football on Christmas! Everywhere you go, football football football! Madden 98, Madden 92, Madden 25, Madden 14 WHO THE F*CK IS JOHN MADDEN?"